I swiped the stray hair that was falling into my eyes. I felt dampness in spite of the chill temperature at the airport. My mind was running a million different ways. I wondered if I’d plugged in the light upstairs. If I hadn’t, Appan would have to go without light upstairs until the next time I returned. There was only so much that can be explained via a phone call. And who knows when the next time I’ll be coming back. Especially considering the circumstances. 

I blinked furiously as I felt the corners of my eyes sting with tears that were threatening to fall. I was not looking forward to going back to Delhi. 

I could hear soft music playing from somewhere. It must be an inconsiderate jerk who decided to forgoe headphones in a public place. The song was something that held a special place in my heart. In our hearts. Yet, I felt nothing. It came as no surprise to me. Music just didn’t feel right to me anymore. Music was just that these days. Words strung together in a tune and nothing more than that. 

I decided to go get some coffee. I never liked coffee unless I made it myself. But right now I didn’t care. My body was craving a jolt of caffeine. My body was craving a jolt of just about anything at that point. Anything to make me feel alive.

The coffee was hot enough to make the impact of the jolt twice as strong. I took a slow sip before I pulled out my wallet to make the payment. I could see someone looking at me from the corner of my eyes. I figured it was probably my disheveled appearance that was prompting the extra attention I was receiving. I forced myself not to look in that direction. 

I stood there and took a couple more sips of my coffee. By that point it had become awkward not to look at the person who was showing such intense interest in my coffee drinking ritual, because I could see the person pointing to me and saying something to the woman sitting beside him. He obviously wanted to make eye contact with me. I figured what gives, and looked at him making sure that I had the best version of my bitch face on. 

The person was looking at me with a knowing smile, gesturing towards me with his head to come over and sit beside him, as if he can explain everything to me. I stared at his face. His straight hair hung diagonally across his forehead, brushed carelessly to the side and tucked behind his ear. He definitely needed a haircut. His face was covered with a thick beard and mustache. But the smile behind all the hair felt intimately familiar. Like a long forgotten fragrance filling my lungs with its presence, while at the same time filing my mind with flashes of memories that I’d forgotten I still had access to.

“B-b-b..” I said. How could I not remember his name? Why is it that the brain does such a good job remembering how many packets of sugar your next door neighbor used in his morning tea vs his evening tea when you were 10 years old, but fails in remembering the name of the closet thing you had to a best friend at one point in life?

He was patting the chair next to him by this point, wanting me to sit next to him. “B-b-b” he repeated. “Don’t even remember my name?” he said, a half smile playing on lips not entirely hidden by the moustache. 

“This is.. how long has it been??” I blabbered.

“14 years at least?” he said, all trace smile gone from his face. I didn’t miss the pensive look in his eyes.

“Where are you heading?” I asked trying to move the conversation in a direction I was more comfortable handling.

“Back home. California” he said.

“You made it happen, huh” I said. 

“Sure did, princess ghee” he was looking into my eyes the way no one has in a really long while, his face still unsmiling. It was as if we were picking up a half finished conversation from a long time back. And perhaps we were. 

I wondered if he still wondered why? I shook the thought from my mind. Why would he. He probably has the perfect life in perfect California, with a perfect wife and a perfect dog and no children yet, but likely a couple of them within the next few years before hitting 35.

Epilogue

I don’t remember writing this. I don’t remember what prompted this writing either. I found this as I was clearing out untitled docs in the root of my Google Drive.

I normally create untitled documents in the root of my Google Drive when I want to take quick notes. I rarely leave them untitled though. I always title them before closing out the doc once I’m done writing. I make sure I at least title it with a “to be deleted” title so I know what to do with it when I get into my clean up mode, like the mode I’m in right now.

I checked my calendar to see where I was on Friday, February 15th, which is when I last edited the doc. My calendar revealed nothing. So I checked my inbox, which indicated that I made Venmo payments to a friend for the Polynesian in Hells Kitchen. The payment notes indicated I was there with two friends, one of whom I’d met while in India, and the other, who had introduced her to me while in India.

I’m not quite sure what my muse was when I wrote this at 12.32pm on a Friday afternoon back in February 2019. It looks unedited. Not even proof read. It felt strange reading it, because to be honest, I really don’t recall writing this, which is very rare. But I do see certain patterns that indicate that I am the author.